The Malchior Letters
by Queen-morganalefay
Summary: A stain of dark red was covering the edges of the papers, dried and old. He thumbed through the pages at first, then turned to the first page, and commenced reading. Tear drops had been splattered on the pages. Only deciphering the neat handwriting would
1. Dear Malchior

**Author's Note: **This is an idea I came up with this morning. Tell me what you think.

**Disclaimer:** Grr.

* * *

His hand snaked into the dark, unknown territory behind her bed, pulling out what had been revealed to him by some rogue flicker of light. The book he pulled out was torn and battered, having weathered what seemed to have been a battle of ink and time.

His name had been carved fiercely into the black velvet, cardboard showing between the midnight softness, totally different from the neat, cursive words within. A stain of dark red was covering the edges of the papers, dried and old. He thumbed through the pages at first, then turned to the first page, and commenced reading. Tear drops had been splattered on the pages. Only deciphering the neat handwriting would tell what secrets she had hid between the lines.

Dear Malchior (Wednesday, October 20th),

You lied to me. You were my only friend, the only one who ever understood me. I fell in love with you. You broke my heart.

Then why do I still feel the desire to talk to you? I shouldn't even be writing this. You can't read it. You can't see it. You will never break out of that book. I've made sure of it. The curse I put on you was strong, and neither you nor anyone else will ever be able to set you free again. You will never be able to hurt anyone again, or teach anyone the dangerous spells that you have taught me. I shouldn't even know them, but I can't unlearn them now. My team mates have made me promise never to use that magic again. I'm going to honor that promise.

Beyond this, I will have no ties to you. You are dead to me, and I am speaking to a grave. A grave that lies at the bottom of my trunk, along with my dead heart. You killed that.

And that time you called me beautiful? I knew then you were lieing. I have never been beautiful.

I will never forgive you, Malchior. Never. Do you understand that?

They're trying so hard to understand how I'm feeling, but they could never understand, and that makes it so hard on them. They don't understand that they could never understand to feel that power rushing through your veins, those amazing magics strengthening you and cleansing you, and then having a mentor there coaching you through every nirvana-like state. They don't know what it feels like to, for once, feel that you are not a dangerous weapon used against the world, but that you hold the weapons, and you can use them to save the world.

They don't know what it feels like to be lied to. To fall in love...and then be lied to. To be told you're beautiful, and then know that that person was only mocking you.

And you don't know either, do you? But you know what it's like to lie about every single little thing. You know what it's like to smile gently while celebrating within knowing that you're conning a half-demon. That you would be the one to break my heart. You must have been so proud. You must have wanted so much just to let me know a little ahead of time the pain that was in store for me. But that would have ruined your full plan, wouldn't it? It wouldn't be enough to kill my heart and destroy my spirit. You had to burn down the entire city and kill my friends as well, before finally finishing me.

You sicken me.

You never should have taught me that way to absorb knowledge so quickly. I learned about Rorek. I learned about how that last curse killed him because he had put so much energy into fighting you before hand, and that he was solely human. I learned about how he fell into the sea, and his bones lie there now. But you were trapped within the book, and you're trapped there again, and there you will always remain. _Always._

I should have learned after Terra not to trust someone. Then I trusted you. I thought you were different.

Now I just know you're all the same.

_I hate you._,

Raven


	2. Fine Again

**Author's Note:** Well, I didn't get as many reviews as I might have hoped, but I do appreciate the ones I got. I'll be updating as frequently as I can. I'm working on my own, from scratch, vampire/changeling/lycan/elemental/human RPG and it's a serious undertaking. Plus my other fanfictions and my own novels at home that will never see light of day until they are in BOOK form. No internet for them. Anyways, enough of my ramblings.

**AriesFalcon: **Hello again, my friend! I will try to read some of your stories soon. I'm glad you liked it so far, but yes, it's going to be a multi-chapter fic. This is sort of like Raven's journal, but all addressed to Malchior.

**evilsangle:** Another of my old reviewers! Yes, here's another chapter. I hope you like!

**StarStar16:** Hey KelBel! Yeah, hbp was good. It sucks that Dumbledore died, however. I like that old man. Anyways, tell me what you think. You writing anything lately?

* * *

Dear Malchior (Saturday, October 23),

I woke up this morning, meditated, made my way downstairs, ate breakfast, trained with the others, stopped the criminals, went to my room, meditated again, and then took off my cape. Beyond these pointless letters to you, my day was completely normal, as usual.

That doesn't mean I've forgiven you. It means I've moved on, and I hate you even more.

It was never about you anyways.

Even as emotionless and cynical as I am, I found it hard to keep from laughing at Robin when he complimented me on how well I'm pulling myself together after all I've been through in the past few weeks. For one so brilliant, Robin can be immeasurably ignorant.

"You're not letting this get to you. You're not letting it make you miserable. You're moving on and you're in complete control of your powers." He smiled that almost condescending, approving smile as he spoke to me. "I think that's great."

I didn't have a chance to respond, however, as he had to run off to make Beast Boy stop playing with the lasers. One day that little changeling is going to get himself killed, and I hope I don't have to be there to witness it when it happens. Beast Boy is a pain in the neck, as you know well (or, at least, that's what I told you. You may have just been pretending to listen), but he's like my little brother. My little brother that I might accidentally strangle one day.

Cyborg seems to be the only one who doesn't buy into my recovery. He pulled me aside earlier, asking after my well-being.

"Are you sure you're okay? You took it pretty hard after Malchior was put back in the book, and when he was around that seemed to be the happiest you've ever been. Your cloak turned to black for a while, Rae! I've been inside your head, girl, I know that means depression. It just turned back to blue yesterday." He regarded me suspiciously with his cyber-tronic eye.

"That should tell you that I'm fine."

"It should, but it doesn't."

"Don't worry about me, Cyborg. I promise you, Malchior was a mistake I will never make again." I turned to walk away, but he put a hand on my shoulder, causing me to stop in mid-step. Malchior, I almost threw him against the wall by accident. I don't like to be touched, much less stopped.

"He made the mistake, Rae. Not you."

Their concerns, if they have any, are not worth it. They should take the attitude that Starfire has taken. She seemed overwhelmingly happy by my willingness to join the group in the madness of what they called "breakfast brunch explosion". It was the first time in about two weeks I had done anything else besides fight with them, train with them, and stay in my room.

I was acting as distant as I normally do, for their protection alone. Yet somehow they feel that it was something more. They don't seem to realize my misery has always been this way.

You were the only time I was ever truly happy.

--Raven


	3. Skin

**Author's Note: **So, we're up to the third chapter. I love some of the questions that were asked in the reviews, so I'm going to go answer them now.

**DISCLAIMER**: I don't own _Skin_ by Alexz Johnson. Awesome song, though. Still don't own Teen Titans. Or Jack. I don't own jack or Jack.

**evilsangle:** Hmm...I don't remember saying that Malchior had found the book. I remember saying that someone had found the book that had his name carved into it. Maybe it's Malchior. Maybe it isn't. There is a story in this, but that part was a clue to what the ending will be. The rest of it until the end chapter is journal. But there is a story, I promise, so don't stop reading just because it's all journal!

**Last Haven:** Thankyou! I like that line too. If you like this story(and I promise you it isn't my best work) then you should check out some of my others. I normally check out the stories of my reviewers, so I'll probably be reviewing to some of yours. Don't know, I'm kinda busy with a lot of projects.

**bushessuckgotrees:** He might be...if he's even reading this.

**DITZY:** I will keep updating! I'm glad you're into it!

**StarStar16:** Okay, I'll check it out first chance I get. Yeah, and Snape is an evil bitch.

**Silent Evanescence:** I'll never teellll...

**Aries Falcon: **Wouldn't you like to know? Wouldn't you? Wouldn't you? WOULDN'T YOU! Being hyper rocks.

* * *

I drift away to a place, another kind of life  
Take away the pain  
I create my paradise

Everything I've held  
Has hit the wall  
What used to be yours  
Isn't yours at all

Falling apart, and all that I'm asking  
Is a crime, am I overreacting

Oh, he's under my skin  
Just give me something to get rid of him  
I've got a reason now to bury this alive  
Another little white lie

What you had didn't fit  
Among the pretty things  
But never fear, never fear  
I now know where you've been

Braids have been un-tied  
Ribbons fall away  
Leave the consequence  
But my tears you'll taste

Falling apart and all that I question  
Is this a dream or is this my lesson

Oh, he's under my skin  
Just give me something to get rid of him  
I've got a reason now to bury this alive  
Another little white lie

Oh my permission to sin  
You might have started my reckoning  
I've got a reason now to bury him alive  
Another little white lie

I don't believe I'll be alright  
I don't believe I'll be ok  
I don't believe how you throw me away  
I do believe you didn't try  
I do blame you for every lie  
When I look in your eyes, I don't see mine

---Skin, Alexz Johnson

* * *

Dear Malchior (October 24th), 

"Have you not been paying attention at all, Robin? She's not acting like herself! She hardly comes out of her room, she never talks, she's cruel and merciless when she fights, she trains against us like we _are _the enemy..."

"Haven't you just described everything that Raven has always acted like?"

"You just don't get it, do you, man? I just have the feeling that there's something seriously wrong with her. Have you noticed her powers haven't been completely controlled for a while?"

"Look, Malchior really messed her up. Give her some time. She'll be okay."

"I'd feel better if you talk to her."

"I did talk to her, remember? She said she wasn't ready to talk about it. You could talk to her if you wanted to, though."

That's the coversation I heard from the foot of the stairs as I started to come down for breakfast. Cyborg won't let it go. You may be vain enough to think you hurt me Malchior, and you did, but not fatally. I'm fine.

Cyborg's been watching me like a hawk, almost as if he's waiting for signs of something out of place. I don't understand it. I don't suppose I ever will.

Meditation states come and go more infrequently now. My emotions are either absent, dead, or on a rampage. However, my powers are completely under control. I have not used the magic you taught me. I have worked on my own during training sessions, and my level of control seems to have improved highly. Cyborg says I'm not completely under control, and Beast Boy is a shade or two paler after what happened today, but I assure you that I am in complete control.

We have lately started to fight one another to improve our skills. I was pitted against Beast Boy today after Beast Boy narrowly defeated Starfire. The changeling's powers are good, but his attention span wanders, and since he is fighting a fellow teammate he sometimes forgets to fight at all. He started off well, evading my bursts of telekinetic energy by darting around in hummingbird form, but after I knocked him against the wall and he stood to yell at me in protest, he lost his focus. Robin, Starfire, and Cyborg seemed to think I had permanently damaged him when I pulled him through a teleportation hole just to startle him and make him lose his focus.

After that Robin shut down the training room and asked me to follow him to his room.

"Raven, is there anything you want to talk about? You were a little harsh back there."

"I was only doing my training correctly."

"But that's just it, Rae, it's training. We're not fighting the bad guys."

"If I go easy during training I can't go hard on the villains during an actual crisis." I turned and left the room without giving him a second thought. "You should stop worrying so much, Robin. You know I would never hurt my teammates."

But I could hear his answer after I closed the door. "Sometimes I just wonder if you know it's us."

---Raven

* * *

Dear Malchior (October 25th), 

I should never have seen that.

Malchior, you know I am an empath. I can feel whatever my friends are. I know there every weakness when it comes to their inner souls. I knew this was coming. I confess, when I felt the deep feeling of happiness and contented love radiating from the room, I should have known what I was walking into. But I thought it was only Starfire in the room. She is always so nauseatingly happy that I believe any ounce of happiness in the Tower comes directly from her.

Robin attempting to shove his tongue down Starfire's throat was never a sight I needed. I couldn't seem to back out of the room fast enough. I don't understand how Robin and Starfire's indulging in a pointless act of intimacy should make anger flare up me so strong that the sink developed a sudden leak. I could hear Starfire's surprised shrieks as I floated down the hall, attempting to find something else...anything to make the image escape my memory. I'm convinced, however, I was not seen. But it seems that even if I was it would not matter.

Cyborg was down in the garage, working on the T-car as he seems to do 12 hours out of 24. Sitting on the workbench, I waited for him to take notice of me. Cyborg emerged from under the T-car and surveyed me in a concerned manner. "You okay, Rae?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." I replied in my usual reply.

He sighed. "Look, if this is about Malchior--"

"It isn't." I interrupted. I'm sick of hearing about you. It's bad enough I even have to remember you. "Since when have Robin and Starfire been going out?"

Cyborg eyed me cautiously. "They started going out shortly after you shut Malchior up in that book."

I nodded and left the room.

I don't know what to make of any of it.

Everything fell apart after you betrayed me, Malchior. I was never in love with you, I realize that now. I was in love with who I thought you were. But who I thought you were, I need that part of you back. I'm asking you to lie to me, to come back for just a moment. They say that living a lie can't create a perfect world, but discovering one can destroy one.

Did my friends use the excuse of my world falling apart to try and do everything behind my back? Was this the time they thought I would be understanding? And Robin, Starfire, why should I deny them this happiness? Because I cannot have who I thought you were, they cannot have each other? Is that what it has come to?

Not another tear will be shed over you, this I promise.

---Raven


	4. Secrets

**Author's Note: **

**evilsangle: **hmm...is it Rorek? Or is it Malchior? Or is it someone else? I seem to have misplaced my memory...

**StarStar16: **Cool! Can I drive it? Can I? Can I? Can I?

* * *

Dear Malchior (October 30th),

No more presumptions. No more games. No more hiding it from me behind closed curtains.

Robin and Starfire are sickeningly cute in their display of affection for one another. Always, always, together...laughing or kissing each other softly or joking with each other while Star tried to get Robin to sample her strange cooking. And the lingering throught cannot be pressed from me...that could have been _us._ If you had not been lying to me, if you had really been the wizard, _that could have been us._

If, if, if. You can waste an entire life thinking about ifs, and sometimes I'm tempted to do just that.

And even though the wound he has given me must show in my eyes and all over my face, Robin continues to have the gall to speak to me. Even this morning, when I was trying to prepare my herbal tea. The water pipe had only just been fixed, and it's leak had never been traced to me. Cyborg still marvels over it. After all...he built this Tower with his bare cyber hands, so obviously he thinks he left no room for mistake.

The tea was heating on the stove, brewing perfectly. I was alone in my thoughts, and for once you were not there. I was alone until the Boy Wonder decided to make his intrusion.

"Hey, Raven!" He said cheerfully. He began to whistle, rummaging through the refridgerator, looking for whatever. Probably his usual breakfast of ham, eggs, and orange juice. Little did he know Beast Boy had thrown out all the ham and eggs, just to spite Cyborg.

When I didn't respond to him, he didn't seem to notice. He merely decided to keep whistling, and found a pan, and somehow miraculously produced some eggs. Somehow Robin never ceases to amaze me in that way...he never seems to be unprepared, even in the face of angry silence. He is at once infinitely wise and completely ignorant. "So, how's it going?"

"Isn't the correct English 'Where's it going?', Robin?" I said with complete sarcasm, trying but not suceeding to mask a very maiming tone. Robin looked confused and hurt as he continued.

"You know it's just an expression, Raven." He scratched his head with one hand before cracking open three eggs, throwing them in a frying pan with a slab of butter, and waiting for the heating element to fire up. "I meant, 'how are you' ?"

"Alive." I replied in more of a monotone now, just as I noticed Starfire gliding into the room and stretching, beaming. Always perfect, that girl. Perfect. An early riser, and yet she looked absolutely beautiful in the morning sun. _She's_ your beauty, Malchior, you liar. She is what you meant when you spoke of beauty.

Robin forgot all about me immeadiately and went to greet her before she could even get out her normal bright and sunny greeting. Their lips met and several seconds of nauseating display commenced. I was forced to look away, I was so sick to my stomach. When finally it stopped, Starfire chirped in a tone of voice I could barely hear. "Good morning, Robbie..."

Robbie? _Robbie?_ Hadn't _Kitten _called him that? Hadn't Starfire sworn in several languages including her own that Kitten was a truly evil earthling creature?

Next was my turn to be greeted. I was just thankful I had not become Rave-y, or some similar nonsense.

"Good morning, friend Raven!" Starfire exulted, and I felt the entirely too strong urge to slap her and yell at her, knock some sense into her.

Why should their happiness make me feel such misery? Is it just jealousy? Is it just your memory?

I remember, Malchior. I keep saying to myself everyday that I will never again write in this book. I will never again confide in you, though you cannot hear me, and I will not speak or write your name, and I will not think of you at all, because for the most part I have convinced myself that I am over you, though I know this is indeed far from the truth.

I very much doubt I will ever be over you.

It was just paper, your hand, but it was comforting as you laid it on my shoulder or brushed a lock of hair out of my eyes. And you listened to me! You _listened._ You didn't pretend or just nod or repeat the sentences, but listened...you just listened and used it later against me, every single little thing I revealed to you a weakness. Every opinion I held of my friends, my detailed description of them, my agony over Beast Boy and his cruel mutterings, of how I could not fit in and how the detective like Boy Wonder seemed to try to fit me into everything, how Starfire was at once so ignorant and still I could tolerate sometimes...in small dozes. And then there was Cyborg...ever the big brother.

I hate watching them around one another. Even Robin entering the room is enough to trigger my anger horribly, and then if Starfire joins him that same room then my stomach churns and that anger turns to extreme hatred...

I cannot stand it.

---Raven

* * *

Dear Malchior(November 2nd),

Cyborg, the big brother indeed. Even he has his secrets, it appears.

I found the letters he seems to be hiding from the rest of us. Some would call it romantic, but I call it conversing with the enemy.

Letters upon letters, there must have been _dozens..._from Jinx. And then some he hasn't sent her yet. All signed with different version of _love._

Why didn't I see it before? Why didn't we suspect it? He _never_ hurts her when we fight the HIVE. She doesn't even go near her. Now that I sit here reviewing the tapes, I see that they were helping each other. He blasted that boulder before she could be crushed under it. She cast that spell before Gizmo could completely destroy Cyborg's system. Somehow this should tell me she is not solely evil, but she works for Brother Blood...Cyborg's sworn enemy. How could she be anything but? And how could he even think of entertaining this relationship, knowing it to be a direct offense to the Teen Titans. A betrayal?

Is there no Titan that won't betray us? Robin became Red X. Starfire went to get married. Terra became Slade's apprentice. And now Cyborg...Beast Boy is the only one who remains clean.

And me? My betrayal is by far the worst and soon to come, but let them find out in there own way in time, since they insist on keeping things from me.

When Cyborg found me pouring over the letters, he made me swear not to tell.

"I don't keep secrets from my friends, Cyborg. Unlike you."

"Rae...I...I love her." Cyborg said, laying a hand on my shoulder and trying to get me to look him in the eye. "I'm trying to get her to come to the good side. She wants to...don't give me that look, she really wants to, but she thinks she's done too much bad to ever be accepted by us."

"Because she _has_ Cyborg. She has."

His cyber eye glowed and his human eye glared horribly. "Don't say that! She's no worse than the rest of us!" He turned away from me for a second, and then turned back, trying to get me to look at him. "Please, Rae. Promise me! I can't let...I can't let her go. I'm not stealing or helping them get away with anything, and if push comes to shove, I'll put her in jail."

"And then set her free again."

"No, I'll let her stay there. It may do her some good..." Cyborg stopped and looked at me. "But I can't do her any good if I get kicked off the team. Please, Rae. Keep this between us."

I can't believe I told him I would.

---Raven


	5. Thanks

**Author's Note: **I'm only going to make reference to one replier this time, because I'm lazy and running out of time. But, to d.h.k., I will tell you that you got two predictions right in reference to this story line. 

If anyone has a Xanga account, look up my new layouts site. My username is sodiestheblackrose. I have some cool TT layouts._

* * *

_

_It's so weird _

_Looking back on the years _

_God was above me _

_The world was beneath me _

_My friends were beside me _

_But you were **never** with me

* * *

_

Dear Malchior (November 5th),

Last night, in the few hours I got of sleep, I dreamt of Robin's past. Ever since I went into his mind to help him (ungrateful as he was), his past has reoccured to me quite often, and not only is it a frightfully disturbing insight on what exactly is wrong with our "fearless" leader...it's heartbreaking. I'm tired of watching Robin's parents die and then wander as a five year old boy wonder in the stinging rain with a burning circus tent behind me.

When you betrayed me, for a while the dreams of Robin ceased and were replaced with dreams of you, both comforting and terrible. Comforting because you were never the betrayer in those dreams, and terrible because eventually, without fail, I had to wake up and realize what had happened.

---Raven

* * *

Dear Malchior (November 8th),

"Raven..." Robin and I had been alone in the Tower. He had declined Starfire's request to go shopping, so she had ventured forth alone. Cyborg had gone to visit the Titans East branch (or so he said), and Beast Boy was visiting Terra's memorial. Occupied with their various tasks, the other Titans were likely to be gone all morning, leaving me alone with Boy Wonder. He looked up at me from his cup of hot chocolate, bringing me out of my book and him out of his newspaper. "Raven...do you ever think..."

"Oh, quite frequently."

"No, I mean...Raven, did I ever...um, you know that time when that dust made me see Slade?" He ran his gloved hand through his hair. Why was he so nervous? You know as well as I do that he is never nervous.

I raised an eyebrow at him. "Yeah. I remember."

"Well...um...I never thanked you, for, um...helping me then, did I?"

"No, you didn't." I was about to return to my book, considering the conversation pointless, but he covered my hand with his and moved my hand so he could close the book while still keeping my place so that all focus to return to him. How self absorbed of him? But the motion did impress me, much to my disdain. Not even you would interrupt me while reading, Malchior.

"Well, I just wanted to say...thankyou. It helped."

"I thought you broke the Slade visions by figuring out that lack of light was the trigger to the dust."

"No, Raven...I mean..." He ran his hand through his hair again, as if he wished I could just figure it out without actually having him explain it. The nervous tension was pouring off of him in trenches. It was making me nervous. "You...you, um, going through my mind helped me...helped me face some of my past. I've been able to concentrate a lot better lately. I...I've gotten rid of some of the nightmares."

Lucky him. My eyes met his fleetingly. "Well...good for you. Glad I could help."

"Yeah..." He looked like he would be grateful for any change of subject. "Um...so, do you know what I should get Star for her birthday?"

Oh...please. And I thought for once...idiot. Of course he was just waiting for a chance to get an insider's opinion on his girlfriend. Boys.

---Raven

* * *

Dear Malchior (November 9th),

Cyborg came to talk to me after the fight with Brother Blood today, after we had destroyed the H.I.V.E. headquarters (I'm still sickened by the fact that I had to ride in Beast Boy's _mouth)_. Worried sick about Jinx, he was concerned that perhaps she had been in the building when it had been destroyed, and had not gotten out in time. After assuring him that she probably got out (I hope she drowned), I somehow managed to escape the half-robot. I don't even care that I left him standing in my room. He can find his own way out.

And that was when Robin confronted me.

"Raven...there's been an outbreak of fire's in downtown Jump City. Are you sure you sealed Malchior in the book...?"

"Yes, I'm sure. I checked the books magical seals this afternoon. They're fine, still intact, all of the seals unbroken. Malchior hasn't gone anywhere."

"Well, are you sure you made the spell right? I mean, I know how much you liked Malchior, and I don't need you---"

This is where I lost my temper unexpectedly, slamming him into the wall using my powers, and for a split second I could see the mirror image of Rage's red eyes in his mask's lenses. "For once in your life, Boy Blunder, think that EVERYTHING IS NOT ABOUT YOU!"

---Raven


	6. Video Games

**Author Note: **Yayness, another chapter. I'm glad you guys like the last chapter, but be patient with me. Life's tough, and it's throwing me a lot of curves I'm not sure I can handle right now. Isn't that true of all of us? If you will, say a prayer or two for me. I need strength...and a midol.

**Moon Goddess of the Sun:**Well, I'm glad my chapter was _ALLSOME._ lol. Maybe you meant 'awesome' and 'awful' put together.

**evilsangle: **lol, you sound like me. Sleep? What is, 'sleep'? twitchtwitch

**The Last: **Fair enough. Yes, I normally go for the 'alternative' Raven---the one with more emotion than is normally shown. And if you haven't noticed, in all of my stories people have _issues. _And cool shoes. Robin has cool shoes. I WANT ROBIN'S SHOES! I'm hyper.

**d.h.k.:** (blinks) Did you know you analyze my stuff more deeply than I'm even thinking when I'm _writing _it? I see a future or current psychologist in the room! As to why Robin apologized...hmm...lack of nightmares/something else? I'll ne-ver teeellll... And yes, they both seem to always think the other one is perfect. Buuuutttt...we'll see what'll happen (man, I'm making it up as I go along. All I know is the last chapter. Besides that, I'm b.s.ing all the way through.)

* * *

Dear Malchior (November 14th),

After eight hours of meditation, two hours of silent thought, thirty minutes of reading from the Book of Azar, and ten seconds of walking from my room to the living room, the sun has rose. The night after my momentary outburst has ended. A new day has begun, and brought with it the promise of new misery.

Will Robin warn the others to beware of similar anger? Demand an apology? Offer a truce?

It really doesn't matter, and he did not deserve my rage. Yet, still the deed is done.

I haven't examined a sunset for a long time. It hits the water in our harbor beautifully, and reflects gracefully off the metal of our city's buildings, casting shadows and light in every directions, balancing out the medium. Light and shadow. Good and evil. Right and wrong. Yin and yang.

The question remains…which am I?

I know of my dissention, and I know of my upbringing. I know of my powers, and then I know of my soul. I know of my abilities, and then I know of what lies within my mind. And it seems the same war balances there. Yet, there is somehow balance. A grey area.

Perhaps the result of the girl I am _is _the grey area, Malchior. The mixture of light and shadow.

No one is awake yet. Not even Robin has awakened at his usual early hour, but perhaps it isn't the time yet. The digital clock on the end table reads 5:30 a.m. An early sunset, and yet it feels like the end of a long day. Meditation didn't refresh me as it normally does. I don't want to fall into the throws of sleep.

---Raven

* * *

Dear Malchior (November 15th), 

There was a cursory nod between myself of Robin, a moment of asking how the other was. We were extremely polite, extremely cautious in our words. It was needed.

Robin and Starfire have taken it upon themselves to find what to do around the city, while Cyborg locks himself in the garage and 'works' on the T-car, hiding from all of us and snapping at us when he does show his face, worried about his precious Jinx. To think that she has done this to him emotionally proves that she lives up to her title.

I had thought of staying in my room and reading more, meditating more, fighting off the not so elusive sleep that I have been avoiding, but something drew me to the living room, towards company. Damn my human half. I bet you mocked it at times, my need to be around other's once in a while, my need for company. You mocked me often beneath those grey eyes, didn't you?

Beast Boy played video games mindlessly in the living room. A floated a foot or two above the couch, pretending to be absorbed in my book, but really just reading the same line of the Poe poem over and over. _All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream._

A plastic controller was shoved into my face. "Wanna two-player with me?"

I stared at the contraption for a few seconds, unable to process the question. It had never dawned on me to play video games. I had watched Beast Boy and Cyborg play against one another for countless hours, and watched individuals in the tower fight monsters, zombies, and 'aliens' until it seemed their brain would melt through the space in their ears and Starfire and I would be left to clean up the mess. Now the green changeling was waving the controller under my nose.

"What?" I said, a little stupidly. He looked at me like a was a simpleton.

"I said: do---you---wanna---two-player---with---meeee?" The sentence was deliberately drawn out, and he crossed his eyes to prove some point. It just made him look like an idiot.

I halfheartedly accepted the controller and he flopped down next to me on the couch, throwing my book aside. On a normal day I would have yelled at him for daring to throw poetry, but I was feeling out of it. Sleep deprived.

He started the game and two robots moved onto the screen. One was green, one blue. The green was labeled Beast Boy, the blue Raven. The green then proceeded to charge the blue robot and slam it into a wall, and a blue bar on the screen decreased in points. I stared at the buttons. A…B…C…D…what did that stick in the middle do? Start? Select? What about the buttons on the top, 'R' and 'L'? And the triggers beneath my index finger? It looked like I was learning a foreign language.

Beast Boy cackled. "I am soooo kicking your butt!"

I just grumbled and started to stare back at the control again, but jumped at the voice behind me. "Here, it's simple. A, B, left, down, R, L, B." Robin stood behind me and reached for the controller. He pressed some of the buttons with agility, and my robot let out such a burst of energy that even though its bar was almost depleted, the other was completely destroyed. K.O. appeared on the screen in bold red letters. Beast Boy looked up and stuck out his tongue.

"You helped her! No fair."

"She doesn't know how to play!" Robin countered, the hopped the back of the couch and paused the game, drawing my attention to the controller. "Look, this joystick controls how your robot moves. Up will make you jump, down will make you duck. A is punch, B is kick, C is barrel roll, and D is somersault. The left trigger fires cannons, the right fires bullets." He pointed to the screen. "That bar is your hit points. K.O. means 'knock out', and if the bar is completely depleted, you die." He handed the control back to me, and then smiled. "Now, when you start the game…" He leaned toward me and whispered in my ear, causing a chill to run through me. "…hit A and B in quick succession after you hit D and press to the right. You'll take out half of his hit points.

He leaned back and smiled, then looked back at Beast Boy, who glared at him and shrugged. "Hey, you got two more rounds. I won't help her any more. Promise." He saluted in a 'scout's honor' way.

"Fine." Beast Boy started the game, and Robin gave me a slight nod, so I did as he had told me to. Beast Boy gaped at the screen after it worked, so I did it again.

I never knew that Robin's satisfied smirk and chuckle could make my stomach flip.

---Raven

* * *

Dear Malchior (November 17th), 

At that time of night, I should have even been outside, but Robin had locked me in my room, insisting I get some rest, as he said my powers were decreasing in their efficiency. Escaping was just a way of defying him.

I was startled to hear her voice in the alleyway, sarcastic as always.

"Well, if it isn't Goth girl. Still in that horrible outfit, I see." Jinx stepped from the shadows, smirking, her fuschia eyes glowing catlike in the dim light of the dirty alleyway. My anger bristled beneath the surface, but I kept it where it belongs…beneath the surface.

"What do you want?"

She shrugged and waved a hand lazily. "I try to be nice, and you speak to me in that tone. We may be enemies, but that doesn't mean we have to _fight…_"

I glared at her, feeling my powers raise further to the surface, still subdued. "Cyborg has searched everywhere for you, and you still have the time to play stupid games. Unless you are switching sides, I suggest you get out of my sight."

Her face fell, but then smoothed to apathy again just as quickly. The surprise had been fleeting. "Well, that saves me a lot of explaining. I can't leave Headmaster at the moment—" She motioned for me to calm down as she continued to speak. "---But since you know of our relationship, would you take this letter for me to Cyborg?" A white envelop showed itself in the dim light, stretched toward me. I eyed it suspiciously before taking it.

"What does it tell him?" Was she asking him to be a submersive, train as a mole for the H.I.V.E.? Why was I suddenly doubting my own teammates?

Jinx made a face. "Like it's your business. It just tells him I'm alright, and where he can meet me next." She turned off and stalked a bit in the distance, but looked back and smiled at the last moment. "Nice talking to you, Rae."

---Raven


	7. Stain

**Author's Note:** The part that interrupts the first letter, in italics, is not related to the part in the first chapter of the story. It merely tells a 3rd person view of what happens and why the letter is interrupted. Since I am pressed for time, I will answer the reviews at a later date, perhaps next chapter._

* * *

_

_Another knife in my hands. A stain that never comes off the sheets…clean me off. I'm so dirty babe. It ain't the money and it sure as hell ain't just for the fame. It's for the bodies I claim and worse. ---I Never Told You What I Do For A Living_ by My Chemical Romance

* * *

Dear Malchior (November 19th),

Never thought I'd be staring at this again, wondering if this would be the time that I cave. I never have before, but the temptation has been so strong, to let myself bleed of my own volition. I've bled from beatings, from fights, from bruises and scrapes and bloody knees. But the metal in my hands---

* * *

_Robin slid open the door to Raven's room, at first finding no one. He stepped farther into the room. Their darkest team member had been acting strange lately, distant. Finally he saw her, scribbling in some notebook, with something glimmering in the pale lamplight before her hands, her fingertips lightly resting on it. The object was obscured by the bed sheets. _

"_Raven?" He stepped forward as her head jerked up and she shoved the foreign object under the covers and slammed the book shut, also putting it out of sight. Her eyes at first had spoken startled realization of another presence, and then mistrust._

"_What?"_

_He sat next to her on the bed. "I just wanted to check up on you…see if you had gotten any rest." His eyes examined her through his lenses. "Obviously not."_

"_I'll get rest when I need it, Boy Blunder." _

"_You need it now." He smirked a little, and her eyes narrowed a little._

"_Well, I obviously can't get rest when you're here."_

_His eyebrow lifted subtly, questioningly, and he started to stand, but then just sat looking at her for a moment. "Are you sure there's nothing you need to talk about?"_

"_Nothing I want to discuss with you."_

_The hurt showed on his expression for just a second, and then he leaned forward for a second, just to see what she would do. She didn't back away. She looked puzzled…almost terrified, and their faces were just inches apart…but the awkwardness of the moment allowed him to press his glove against her fingers for just a second and leave the skin patch that had a sleeping aid on it. While her eyes widened for a seconds, not realizing what he'd done, he smirked and stood, walking toward the door._

"_Well, good luck with your rest, Raven."

* * *

_

Dear Malchior (November 20th),

That bastard…what did he do? I woke up with such a drunken headache this morning, knowing that he had to have had something to do with the overpowering waves of exhaustion that poured over me. He interrupted me when I was writing before, so I had to put away my things, and by the time I tried to get back to it, I felt my head hitting the sheets.

I'm sure he had something to do with it, but as usual, I cannot prove it.

Robin is a meddlesome fool, and thinks he knows best in situations he knows nothing about. He doesn't know that it's not aggravation over _you _that keeps me awake, and it's not dragon's fire that charcoals my dreams. The deep, demonic voice of my father continues to haunt my newest nightmares, and I know that his contacting me cannot be far away. My recent development in loss of control over my powers, and the arrival of my birthday in just a few short weeks…five to be exact…he's making me ragged and more hurt just in preparation for such an occasion.

I won't let it happen. Prophecies are only predictions. The future is unclear.

I cannot focus while I meditate. I cannot seem to find anything worth concentrating on, not even my own heartbeat, which is the simplest of concentration objects, normally used by beginners in meditation, and for a light trance by experts.

This is my beginning of a fight to delay the beginning of the end.

--Raven

* * *

Dear Malchior (November 21st),

Somehow (don't ask me how), Koriand'r managed to convince me to go _shopping_. Of all the earth habits Starfire could have picked up on, she had to go for one so…trivial and pointless.

I managed to maintain my dignity, and avoid the bright stores filled with tight fitting and male—appeasing clothes. I went to the local gothic/book café, telling her to find me when she was finished. She gave the café quite an odd look when she left…perhaps she was afraid of it. It was quiet enough to comfort me.

I flipped through the books available, stopping for a long moment to examine some pieces of art and a book of illustrations by Amy Brown, depicting pale and eerie creatures of fantasy, and some of terror. They had gotten some new candles…one with a skull holder, which was actually quite creative…and one that mixed incense and filled the air with a sweet, musky smell. The girl working at the counter looked quite bored, mesh sleeves tapered to a long length flowing down from her wrists, purple and black corset showing off her trim figure as she watched the few costumers in a lazy manner through heavily lined eyes. She looked as surprised as I felt when several teenagers and a couple of adults in dark red cloaks walked into the store, going past the heavy metal CDs (including Christian, mainstream, local, and Luciferian, oddly enough), the clothing, the books, the sign up sheet for the poetry reading, the coffee, and straight to the Occult section, which was rarely occupied. I hardly even went there. All the spell books I own are enough, and spells are dangerous…I rarely use them.

I returned to looking the pictures, but listened as the girl left her stand and went to join the cloaked figures. "Can I help you?" Her voice was listless. I shuddered as I looked at the leader, recognizing a dark magic sign that I could not quite make out…wait…

That was the sign of Scath! My hood automatically raised to cover my face and I backed further into shadow, wanting to leave, but not daring as I feared they knew I was here. Worshippers of my father…what could they want here?

They ordered odd ingredients…normal to the average Occultist, as far as I could tell, but they book they ordered the girl seemed hesitant to give over. The conversation was interesting.

"I mean, I don't mind that you have it. I don't go for the Occult…Catholic, you know? But my employer says that he needs to give permission for this book to be sold. Apparently it's supposed to have some pretty dark stuff, goes against God."

"Not against our god." A male under a cloak answered. "When can we see the manager of this store?"

"He's not back from vacation yet. I can give you a card, if you like." She seemed like she'd just rather they leave all together. I didn't blame her. Even if they hadn't almost insulted her religion, they had given off bad enough vibes to drive out every other customer but me. I was hoping that with my cloak, I would blend with the others…but mine not being red, it was a little bit trivial to hope such a thing.

"That would be helpful." There was a card handed to him, and they filed past both me and the girl. She was left staring at me for a minute.

"You're not with them?"

"No…how much is this?"

"$19.95."

I payed her and left, looking for Starfire as I made my way out, even braving those idiotic clothing stores just to find her. The followers of Scath had obviously left, but I wasn't taking any chances. The book was just an impulse buy, something to do before I got out of there, with my heart pounding and grateful my skin had not exploded into the demonic symbols that had always been visible during times of my emotions when I was a child.

The others let me go to my room in peace. Robin pulled Starfire aside to talk to her after he had asked me what was wrong and I had told him nothing…

I've looked through the Book of Azar. I'm sure they were trying to find a locator or resurrection spell. My father is trying to make his way back. I must find why they need that book.

--Raven


End file.
